Spice it up
Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Be creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
She changed me
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved she just isn't good enough for me."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning the towns people were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 30 years."
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature so you might as well marry a younger one.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup: whenever you're wrong, admit it. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" - "Well... as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Never stop courting your spouse.
"I once worked with a guy named George who for Christmas gave his wife, for her big gift -and I am not making this gift up-a chain saw. (As he later explained: 'Hey, we NEEDED a chain saw.') Fortunately, the saw was not operational when his wife unwrapped it."